December 1, 2020

Giving Tuesday

    Steve Alcatraz has nothing to give on Giving Tuesday. He is a millionaire but he doesn’t want to give away his money because, as Steve likes to say, “I didn’t get rich by giving away money, assbrain.”

    Steve thinks about this while driving to his father’s house. His father, Stone Alcatraz, is also wealthy but still gives away lots of money and this subject comes up as soon as Steve sets foot in the old man’s house.

    “Hi Steve! Give away any money today, you little asshole?”

    “Hi Dad! You always hated me, didn’t you.”

    “No, Steve, no. I don’t hate you. I just have always liked your brother better.

    Steve then points out that he doesn’t have a brother.

    “Hmmm….” Stone Alcatraz thinks this over.  “Then who the hell did I give all my money to?”

    Steve Alcatraz laughs like crazy at this. It makes him feel more human, this cruel weirdness. He spends the rest of Giving Tuesday skipping across the hinterland handing out cash and pornography to nearly everyone he meets. His brother, he knows, would be proud.

    Steve falls into bed that night wearing only his matching nightshirt and cap and a smile, feeling content and important for the first time in many moons. As he dozes off the last thing that comes from his lips is, “God, I hope tomorrow is Take Back Wednesday.” --TK