Gold Help us, Everyone
Gold Help us, Everyone
Bless the Beasts and the Children
December 4, 2020
Christmas is Old, Terrifying, and Offensive
If you want nightmares from now until Christmas, or perhaps now through the rest of your living days, go to Amazon Prime, scroll to the Holiday section and select the Classic Christmas Cartoons. Then put the kids to bed, cover the dog’s eyes, hold the Bible close to your chest, and press play.
This shit is vicious and horrible, cousin.
There are more than an hour’s worth of animated holiday shorts that all appear to be from the 1920s, 30s and 40s. We knew the old days were rough but did not realize they were bathed in the blood of the innocent.
The animation is textured and lovely, the plots are simple, the characters are fun, the music is on key, and the results are nothing other than tireless moral and spiritual terror.
You know how cute the reindeer are in the 1964 TV special “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”? Here, the reindeer are like something out of a Nazi chorus line. And Rudolph looks like he couldn’t get someone to buy him a drink on 8th Avenue in 1974.
Next, there’s a little ditty where the world’s children unite to help out Santa. It’s a United Nations of helpers and every stereotype of nearly every ethnic group conspires to save Christmas, and the message is sweet and about as politically correct as the ghost of Don Rickles who, as you know, loved Christmas.
Skating pigs, yawning rabbits, bobsledding moose, spanking elephants, assaulted mice, a smoking penguin, a disassembled alligator, and kangaroos on toboggans are next. Of course they are.
This was life before Rock n’ Roll and it wasn’t for the timid.
Did we mention Jack Frost can make scarecrows come to life and make you pray for death? If this ain’t Christmas we don’t know what it is.
Santa Claus likes orphans. And looks like he wants to eat them.
No wonder The Greatest Generation wasn’t afraid of war; they had already been through hell at their local theatre.
Watch, repeat, weep. And then, as you ask Santa for good stuff for Christmas think about your grandparents’ eyes. Look deep into the past. Embrace the darkness. Seek the Christmas light. --TK
Friday, December 4, 2020