A Frigid Forecast
A Frigid Forecast
Days of Snow and Roses. And Enmity.
December 18, 2021
White Christmas
Roxanne Splittorf is the enemy of the people.
Ms. Splittorf is the chief meteorologist for Channel 47 Action News and Christmas is a week away and we have seen no snow at all.
Most years the first snow falls on or about Halloween. The average first measurable snowfall is November 18. The first snowfall of one inch or more usually hits by December 7.
This year? Nothing. Nary a flake. Maybe one flake. But it didn’t stick.
And Roxanne Splittorf is getting blamed for it. She receives unwanted texts, “where’s the snow?” Emails, “no snow blows!” and photos on Facebook of little children pulling a sled across the grass, crying. So sad.
Roxanne Splittorf has been a weather lady since 2007 and has worked at Channel 47 since 2012. Next year will be her tenth anniversary but she might not make it. She can no longer tolerate the criticism. The attacks. The hate.
“All I have ever wanted,” she tells her friend Tina over a cup of tea at Goldblatt’s, “is to tell people the damn weather. Don’t these idiots know none of this is my fault?”
Tina sips her tea.
“I told you you should have been a stripper,” Tina says without a flake of sympathy.
Just then a department store Santa happens by and spits in Roxanne’s tea.
“Bitch!” Santa says.
Roxanne pulls out a gun and shoots him.
The next day there’s a blizzard and Roxanne signs a lifetime contract. The Santa she shot lived. Probably. --TK
Saturday, December 18, 2021