Origin Swill
Origin Swill
Bones By The Fire
Thursday, December 2, 2021
A Brawler’s Beginnings
“He’s smarmy,” Willow says to Annalee. “Smarmy and probably smelly.”
“You dare say this about the man who is going to bring me a Corvette?” Annalee asks her sister.
“I dare,” Willow says. “I dare indeed. Santa Claus, or as I call him, Booger Monster…”
“Really?”
“Truly. Booger Monster is a myth! Santa Claus has never brought anything to anyone. Not a single child or lonely lady. Except empty-sky dreams. Santa Booger Monster Claus is good at that, he is.”
The sisters laugh. Willow and Annalee are each drinking a beer by the Christmas tree, the Cowboys and Saints battling each other on Thursday Night Football on the TV.
“Well sure, he’s a liar,” Annalee says. “Most people are. But he is responsible for about half of the American economy.”
“Not that much…”
“At least that much. Maybe you’d like him better if he got a makeover. You know, shaved the beard, lost a hundred pounds, got a tattoo.”
“Tell me more.”
“I see Santa Claus,” Annalee continues. “In a place far from the North Pole. I see his origin story as a…football player.”
“Too recent,” Willow opines.
“OK…a boxer.”
“Much better.”
“He’s a boxer. ‘Kid Claus’ is his name, a barrel-chested badass with a tattoo of the Statue of Liberty on one arm and…”
“A tattoo of a spider on the other arm.”
“Hell, yes. And he’s boxing in…Brazil. It’s 1897 and he’s in a smoky boxing arena in Brazil. Everyone is shouting, screaming, as Kid Claus knocks out one punk after another, bare-knuckle bedlam, bloody and cruel.”
“And then he feels so bad for beating the shit out of everyone,” Willow suggests, “he decides to become the nicest guy in the world. And bring toys to all the kids…wait, why Brazil?”
“Chicago? New York? Peshtigo?”
“OK, Brazil. And he brings toys to all the children in the world. And he’s never smelly or smarmy again.” Willow gulps her beer. “Amen.”
“And Merry evermore,” Annalee agrees. “What about Mrs. Claus?”
“Mrs. Claus?” Willow asks. “Oh yeah, her. She’s the brains behind the operation. Santa only started boxing to impress her because she thought he was a pussy.”
Annalee Birdcount cackles at her delightful, beautiful younger sister. No hoity-toity in this gal’s veins. Nothing pretentious or weak or wrong. Willow will reinvent Christmas over and over and over again and take down and rebuild Santa Claus, Jack Frost, Ebenezer Scrooge, and a thousand others before she’s through. Before December dies one more time. --TK
Thursday, December 2, 2021