Opportunity Knocks You Over
Opportunity Knocks You Over
No One Loves a Winner
December 3, 2021
Monster Mash
Oscar Mash has just been told he’s been fired.
“And three weeks before Christmas!” Oscar screams. “How could you?”
“Actually I haven’t,” Babette Olivetti tells him. “Remember, I’m not your boss. You don’t even work here, idiot.”
Oscar looks around and remembers he is at McGraham’s Grocery Store which is thriving with holiday decorations; Christmas lights, stockings, Santas, snow people, a Menorah, even, for some reason, a duck smoking a cigar.
Oscar looks into his shopping cart filled with the usual - cookies, Schlitz, spaghetti, pantyhose, and avocadoes. The line behind him is growing longer and Babette rings him up and puts his stuff in a bag.
“$27.62, please. Oh wait, I forgot, you don’t have a job! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Babette squeals with laughter, as does everyone else in line.
Oscar Mash frowns at their cold hearts and pays for his groceries and carries them outside into the suddenly falling snow. He taps a few buttons on his cellphone. His ex-boss, Mr. Pumpkin, answers on the first ring.
“Pumpkin, here! What the hell do you want Oscar?”
“I want my job back, Mr. Pumpkin! Please! And it’s not even because of the money. I was just assaulted with shame and derision by a pack of bitches and bimbos at the grocery store…”
“McGraham’s?”
“Yes, McGraham’s….but can I please…
“Do they have pantyhose?”
“Yes, and Schlitz, but Mr. Pumpkin, please, it’s Christmas! And I really…”
“OK, OK, Oscar Mash. You not only can have your job back but how about a promotion? And a raise?!”
“Are you speaking the truth, Mr. Pumpkin? God Bless you!”
“See you Monday, Mash. And bring the Schlitz. And the pantyhose”
Click.
Oscar Mash runs back inside McGraham’s grocery store, knocking over a display of canned anchovies.
“I got my job back! I got my job back!” He screams at Babette Olivetti and the other Hell’s henchmen who had made him feel horrible just moments earlier.
“So Merry Christmas! And suck on that!”
Oscar Mash runs back outside but in his frantic happiness he doesn’t realize the pantyhose have fallen from his bag. He has a wonderful weekend but shows up at work on Monday morning with the Schlitz but without the pantyhose. Mr. Pumpkin fires him again.
Oscar applies for a job at McGraham’s and Babette conducts the interview which is basically a heated exchange of profanity and Italian proverbs either though neither of them speaks Italian. Still, Oscar gets the job, Babette becomes his mentor, and they both know this could be the Christmas they’ve always dreamed of. --TK
Friday, December 3, 2021