American Ice
American Ice
The Longest, Coldest Yard
December 4, 2021
The Santa Bowl
“To know America, one must know college football.” Santa Claus blows the whistle and the elves line up for another play. The signals are called and the elves crash into the line but the reindeer are tough and turn them back once again – bloody screams and menacing cackles - and the elves are forced to punt.
“You need to toughen up!” Santa screams at the elves.
“You need to call better plays!” The elf quarterback screams back.
These are tense times at the North Pole. The production lines are all backed up, global warming has led to a lack of snow, and everyone is distracted by college football. Michigan, Alabama, Notre Dame, Cincinnati, Georgia. Santa Claus loves them all. And each week he has a new favorite which annoys the hell out of everyone.
The weekly gridiron battle between the Ice Pole Interlopers (the elves) and Reagan’s Reindeer (the reindeer) goes on for a few more minutes. Draw plays, blitzes (Blitzen’s favorite), reverses (Rudolph) and end-arounds (elves) until Santa declares it a tie after one of the elves bites one of the reindeer on the ass.
“Three weeks until Christmas, you lovely beasts!” Santa declares. “Get back to work!”
“Blow me!” An elf shouts back.
Santa shakes his head and steps in slush. –TK
Saturday, December 4, 2021