October 9, 2022

Vikings 29, Bears 22

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose, Sometimes You Don’t Know What The Hell You Did

OK, Bears fans, raise your hand if you even knew who the hell Ihmir Smith-Marsette was before this weekend.

C’mon, be honest…

OK, you, yes, you, waaaaayyyy in the back. You knew who he was? Really! That’s great! Then why the hell didn’t you warn us, you shithead?!

The Chicago Bears once again took to the field on Sunday playing like they had not practiced, or even thought about football, since the previous weekend as they let the Minnesota Vikings poop all over them en route to a 21-3 second quarter lead at U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis and an eventual 29-22 Vikings victory and there are a lot of reasons the Bears lost, including Smith-Marsette.

Actually, he’s more than just one of the reasons. He’s at least two, which is two too many for a guy who walks around with a hyphen on his back.

Here’s how it went down, comrades. The Bears trailed, 29-22 with 1:12 to play and had the ball at their own 46 yard line and Bears quarterback Justin Fields threw a pass to the left side which was hauled in by Smith-Marsette who decided to take it upon himself to go from obscurity to Aquaman, or James Bond, or Martin Short, or some other transcendent figure not bound by the laws of physics or logic and figured he could somehow gallop through a phalanx of Viking defenders for dozens of yards and score a touchdown that would have put the Bears in position to tie the game or perhaps win it if they went for a two-point conversion instead of just doing what all football players with a functioning medulla oblongata are told to do from the moment they emerge from Mama Football’s vagina and go out of bounds to stop the frickin’ clock, and keep the drive alive, you assburger!

And by attempting to go that impossible extra yard, not only did the clock not stop but the Vikings had the chance to steal the damn football from Smith-Marsette’s hands, which they did and then the game was over and God, I’m exhausted, cold, horny, and afraid and it’s only October.

So, #17 did a really dumb thing. Like, super dumb. It was the second big booboo that this young fella (and former Viking) did on this day. On the Bears’ previous possession, Fields did exactly what Smith-Marsette dreamed he himself could do which was slice through the defense for a beautiful 52-yard touchdown run that was truly a thing of sexy, dangerous, football beauty. But no, no, we can’t have nice football things in Chicago. This most lovely touchdown was called back because Smith-Marsette (his name is a pain to type) was flagged for an illegal block. It was a bad call and, as the TV announcers pointed out, a heck of an acting job by Vikings defensive back Cameron Dantzler who flopped like a desperate fish on dry land.

And, oh yeah, who was the guy who ended up stripping the ball from Smith-Marsette on that fatal play a few minutes later? Cameron Dantzler. We hate him. Smith-Marsette must, too. Why must there always be some ripjack who gummies up the honest and noble pursuits of sober football men? Why?

So, the Bears lost but we (because we’re always going to be part Republican, by birth) are going to say they won. (Yes! You can do that! Everyone does in today’s America!)

We’re calling this a victory because Fields looked great, the Bears threw the ball deep, including a 39-yard strike in the second quarter to Darnell Mooney who made a one-handed catch that was so magnificent that it’s already the subject of a new Hollywood movie in development titled, If Moses Had A Helmet. Yes, it was that stunning.

So we call it a victory that the Bears didn’t give up and might have found a playbook that was actually printed after prohibition.

It’s a curious thing that the Bears continue to follow the pattern of getting off the bus not knowing their asses from their eye-black then, at halftime, head coach Matt Eberflus and his staff take big swigs from Vince Lombardi’s coffin and somehow install a game plan that gets them back in it.

Can’t they just start doing that from the beginning?

Odd. Ponderous.

When the Bears trailed 21-3 we weren’t just angry, we were bleeding from parts of the body that haven’t been seen by the opposite sex since before the staff of Wal-Mart stormed the Capitol. The Bears weren’t just losing; they were getting wiped off the map. Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins completed his first 17 passes. That’s like stepping in cat shit; it’s bound to happen to somebody, but by God, not you.

Yes, you.

The Bears were so bad early on that we didn’t just consider changing the channel at halftime, we came damn close to changing religions. Is there a church out there that worships Justin Jefferson? He caught 12 passes for the Vikings for 154 yards and also completed a pass. Who does he think he is, Taysom Hill?

If the Bears can figure out how to stop falling behind by a billion, how to maintain Fields’ new habit of throwing the ball deep and with authority, and how to find a different profession for he of the evil hyphen then maybe this season can be salvaged and we won’t wake up on Mondays feeling like we’ve been robbed, beaten, insulted, and made to listen to too much Billy Joel.

Maybe. But can we end by saying how damn much we love October even if it hasn’t brought a victory yet? We don’t care! It’s October, and the leaves are getting ready to go Geronimo, and the sun shines, and then dies in the cool eve and damn it, we love it! Let autumn reign, and hopefully good football will somehow follow. –TK