November 13, 2022

And God Said, One of You Shall Be Good, The Rest of You Shall Blow

And so what has happened? The Bears have kept losing. And losing. And losing. And looking great.

All things are possible in the world of Chicago Bears football. Except for winning, that is.

The Bears fell to the Detroit Lions, 31-30 at Chicago’s Soldier Field on Sunday afternoon, the third straight defeat for the Muggles of the Midway and the first time the Lions have won outside of Michigan since the running days of Tobin Rote.

We have had a tough time these past few weeks writing about the Bears who are now 3-7 and have as much a chance of making the playoffs as Kari Lake does getting a hug from Whoopi. It’s a shame, and a missed opportunity for us, because while the Bears have been in a freefall, quarterback Justin Fields is riding a football rocket into the gridiron stratosphere.

Watching Fields reminds us a lot of a Chicago team from back in the 1980s that thrilled fans over and over. No, not the Bears, who won a Super Bowl and reached the playoffs more regularly than Fox News quotes Bigfoot. We’re talking about the Chicago Bulls.

Back in the mid to late 1980s the Bulls were one of the greatest shows on Earth, featuring a young Michael Jordan who dazzled audiences every time with his athleticism, style, grit, skill, prowess, and pursuit of perfection, all while his team would normally lose.  This is what the 2022 Bears are: a one-man gang of shock, awe, giggles, fireworks, and wonder. 

Watching a Bears games is like going to a Rolling Stones concert and then getting a flat tire in the parking lot afterwards. Sure, that sucks, but man what a show beforehand.

Fields ran for 147 yards and two touchdowns on Sunday. That’s an All-Pro worthy day for a running back. And let’s remember, Fields is a quarterback. OK, he’s a running back, too, we suppose, and one of the best ones on this planet or any other.

Fields’ first TD run was officially classified as a one-yard scramble but it ended with him crushing a Lions defender as he bulldozed his way into the end zone. Eggs don’t get scrambled so viciously.

His second TD run was a 67-yard sprint to glory, the kind of thing Ennio Morricone songs were written about. Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be safeties chasing Justin Fields.

In-between, Fields threw two touchdown passes to tight end Cole Kmet, a guy who, hey! looks pretty good with a good offense around him.

Fields also threw a terrible interception that was returned for a touchdown and the Bears’ passing game once again faltered badly in crunch time and the Bears defense, especially after trading away everyone from Roquan Smith to Dick Butkus, couldn’t stop a kitten from stealing a Buick, so the end result was another setback and the Bears are so far down in the standings that Billy Barty craps on them.

But consider how far the Bears have come while losing so often. A few weeks ago the Bears lost a game to the Washington Commanders that was so boring it made the carpet cry. That game would have ended with Fields saving the day except the Bears, yet again, dropped a pass at a key moment, this time at the goal line in the final seconds. If Bears receivers could have hung onto the ball a few more times in September and October this team might be 7-3, instead of poop and plotz.

That loss was followed by an impressive Monday night win for the Bears against the Patriots in New England. That doesn’t happen, but it did, and it was that night that the Bears offense and Fields began to come to life. That unexpected victory was followed by consecutive high-scoring losses to the Cowboys and Dolphins, both defeats which again featured Fields and the suddenly electric Bears offense filling the scoreboard with pyrotechnics while the defense looked like a dog chasing its own tail before eventually realizing it has no tail because it’s not a dog, it’s a turtle. And it’s dead.

While this Bears season is down the tubes in terms of overall success, the explosiveness of Mr. Fields and the resurgent Bears offense augurs well for future Sundays of fun on Chicago’s lakefront, even while the defense makes us want to eat something sharp and rusty. Without ketchup.

Next up on the Justin Fields Fantastic Tour of Football Fantasticness? A trip to Atlanta to face the 4-6 Falcons, a team that does not lose quite as often as the Bears but sure tries. Expect more thrills, chills, spills, explosions, clown farts, boobs, butts, symphonic crashes, and sonic booms.

But there will be no regrets. Democracy is alive and we don’t have the time. --TK