November 30, 2022

Bombs Away

Jets 31, Bears 10

Admit it, you kind of like the Jets.

Confess, reveal, acknowledge, divulge, disclose, just plain say it that you have a soft spot – probably near your ass – for the New York Jets and are slightly happy that they are now 7-4 and have a good chance of making the playoffs.

Their seventh win, though, came at the hands of your one true football love, the Chicago Bears, who went to the East Coast last weekend and got their nipples pinched and wallet stolen, 31-10 and are now 3-9 and more pitiful than a grown man tearing up during the trailer for The Fablemans.

Your tepid, but genuine, admiration of the Jets comes from two sources. One: you lived in New York, remember?

And two: you lived in the 1970s, remember?

And in the 1970s the only person cooler than Fonzie and sexier than Farrah was Joe Namath and if you liked football, TV, fashion, or oxygen during the Johnson or Nixon years you had to love Joe Namath. It was a law that even the nuns obeyed.

So, go get ‘em Jets. Win one for Joe. Win a few more.

And our Bears? Piss on their grave while they’re still living. In fact, piss in their Coke while they’re still drinking.

The Bears went to battle in this one without quarterback Justin Fields, which is like going to an orgy without your dick. Or going to church without Joe Namath. 

Fields, whose photo is on Batman’s wall and in the Pope’s wallet, was sidelined because he has been hit about 3,000 times this season. And that’s only while riding public transportation.

The Bears cannot win with Fields. Without him? They cannot even breathe. And he might not play against the Packers, either. That’s like finding out your girlfriend’s cousin is not only accepting your dinner invitation but is bringing his girlfriend, who is also your girlfriend’s cousin.

You get our point. The Bears, for a few weeks there, were oodles of fun, even as they stumbled to loss after loss, because Fields kept that pinball machine popping, the jukebox turned up loud, and the Schlitz flowing freely, and it was all worth your three hours on Sunday even though you got kicked out of the bar at the end of the night and went home alone.

Now, it’s all gone sour.

Now, receiver Darnell Mooney is hurt, too. So is safety Eddie Jackson. The next thing you know a psycho bitch will take over Twitter.

Slide, Bears, slide. Keep falling. Forever struggle to find your way in God’s dark, cold football forest. Christmas is coming. Start writing that wish list. In blood. On a rock. Over and over. --TK