December 10, 2022

Books and Crooks

Nobel Sierra and Pants Shipwreck have been working at the Westgreen Public library since 2003. And in that whole time they have never once had a patron take home a book about Christmas.

Until today.

Drabingle Blueboat comes a skippin’ into the library, because he skips everywhere, shakes off the freshly-fallen snow and sings out,  “Ms. Sierra! Mr. Shipwreck! Hello! Have you any books about Christmas today?”

Nobel and Pants are confused. Sure, there is a whole section devoted to Christmas books but, “No one ever reads one!” Sierra says.

“People like Christmas movies,” Pants shrieks. “And candy!”

“Yeah!” Nobel adds. “No one likes Christmas books, Drabingle, you asshole!”

Drabingle pulls out a gun and blasts away.  Nobel and Pants hit the deck as the bullets fly. Drabingle grabs a picture book called Santa’s Shitty Christmas, and bolts out into the falling snow.

Nobel Sierra and Pants Shipwreck stand up and brush the debris off of them. Luckily, no one was hurt. Except their egos.

Mr. and Mrs. Westgreen Public emerge from their office and tell Nobel and Pants they can either have sex with them, pay for the damages, or promise to only vote Republican from here on.

“Can’t we do all three?” Nobel and Pants ask in perfect unison after a long pause.

Smiles all around.

The sex happens. The payment happens. The Republicans happen. It all happens. And somewhere, out in the falling snow, Drabingle Blueboat watches his tears fall into the flakes because he cannot read. --TK