December 16, 2022

Gas Up

The price of gas has been dropping for many weeks.

But that will not deter Evelyn Lakegeneva Wheeling.

Evelyn has gotten used to paying $5.78 a gallon and therefore she continues to budget $83.81 every nine days to fill up her gold 2008 Chrysler Aspen SUV.

And while such a bill is outrageous, and has forced Evelyn to forego her weekly trip to the movies, and sometimes food on Thursdays, she kind of likes paying so much because, as she tells Floyd Farr III of Floyd Farr’s Gas ‘n Go, “It makes me feel wealthy! And a bit important.”

Floyd, with a sigh, says as he listens to Christmas Carols on his AM Radio, “But Evelyn, sweetcakes, I have been trying to tell you since Halloween that gas is not as expensive as it was. It has been getting cheaper, and cheaper, thank Jove. Here,” he hands her a wad of cash. “This is all the money you’ve been overpaying. Take it. Buy yourself a nice Christmas present. Or you use it as a down payment on a hybrid. Or get that anesthesiologist’s license you have been dreaming of.”

Evelyn Lakegeneva Wheeling ponders the pile of cash and then hurriedly begins stuffing the money it into her purse, her pockets, and her underwear. She even swallows a nickel, something she swore to never do again after quitting the convent.

She tucks away all the cash and then smiles at Floyd and says, “Or I could buy more gas!”

Evelyn is proud of her clever line and continues to grin broadly as she drives off into the December night. She feels good for about five minutes but then decides she needs to change her life. The next day she sells her car and buys a bike, becomes vegan, gets solar panels, and quits Twitter.

By the next Christmas Evelyn has lost thirty pounds, made many new friends, and seen three movies in which an anesthesiologist is the protagonist. Unsurprisingly, she, Evelyn, wrote, produced, and starred in each of the movies and she’s determined that someday someone will watch them.

Overall, things are quite good.

As some Christmas snow is falling, Evelyn pedals her bike past the gas station which advertises gas for 37 cents a gallon, and with each fill-up you “get a free sock.” And there’s Floyd, dancing in the parking lot to samba music as men toss nickels at his feet and shriek with innocent laughter.

“Oh Floyd,” Evelyn sighs. “You never should have told me the truth.” –TK