December 24, 2022

Christmas Eve in Holy Football Hell

Bills 35, Bears 13

Santa Claus farted, Jesus belched, Batman cried, and Speed Racer pounded his fist into his palm.

In other words, it was a typical Christmas Eve in Chicago and a familiar script for another Chicago Bears defeat as they fell to the Buffalo Bills, 35-13 at Soldier Field along Chicago’s lakefront, which was colder on Saturday than the backhand of a choirgirl when you heckle her at Midnight Mass.

The Bears have now lost eight straight games which, in the old days, used to be half a season. But don’t fret, by next weekend it will certainly be nine straight losses and the stretch of stench will be more than half a season in these brave new days of 17-game schedules.

The Bears are so bad that half of Chicago is asking Santa for a blindfold and the other half is just closing its eyes, covering their ears, and praying for more snow.

And a blindfold.

Do you want details from this game? Here’s a detail: The Bears make us wish the Three Wise Men had told baby Jesus to declare football a sin. Actually, Jesus is saying that now, but too late!

If George Bailey had been a Bears fan he would have asked the angel to kill him again.

Most of the world will go to bed tonight with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. We Bears fans will doze off with nightmares of Bills players running over our snowman. And then having sex with it.

Wait a minute, that’s no dream, that’s my neighbor Fred!

Holden Caulfield spent Christmas battling the phonies. The Bears spent theirs getting broken candy canes shoved up their ass.

What Child Is This who watches the Bears and then asks Mom and Dad for a sip of the “grown up” eggnog in hopes of slurring their words and forgetting things like Aunt Phyllis does?

Rumor has it the Bears asked Santa for an offense but he said all they could have was defense and special teams and then held up his bag as if to empty it and when nothing came out he said “suckers!” and slapped a McCaskey on the ass.

The Bills might be the best football team in America. The Bears might not even be the best football team in their own area code.

The only thing that disgusts Ebenezer Scrooge more than Christmas is the Bears’ third down efficiency.

Sigh.

God Bless us, everyone. Bless the Bears, the Bills, the beasts, the children, the ghost of Vince Guaraldi, the memory of George Halas, and the hope of children, kittens, and robots everywhere.

Christmas is beautiful, life is wondrous, snow is meaningful, and Karen Carpenter’s Christmas voice and Darlene Love’s Christmas joy hold us up, lifts us up to the highest of heights, where the angels toss a football back and forth and we are free!

The snow falls and football and Christmas and family and friends and moments of eternity are in each cold breath. Each and every second of Christmas Eve. Of peace and love ever after. --TK