December 4, 2022

All Things Die, Get Buried, Eaten By Worms, The Worms Get Eaten By Fish, The Fish Learn To Fly And Maybe We Actually Live Forever

Packers 787, Bears 786

The Chicago Bears will never win another football game again, ever. Maybe they can learn to ice skate or play golf.

Or direct Christmas movies.

The latest nut-crush—their sixth in a row–came today on their home grass, Soldier Field, against those Satan worshippers from the north, the Green Bay Packers, by a final score of 28-19.

Here is what we have to say: The Bears led this one, 10-0 in the first quarter and 19-10 in the fourth quarter and they deserved to win because it’s nearly Christmas and Santa Claus loves the Bears more than she loves anyone else at all, we say.

But then Bears quarterback Justin Fields, who ran for a 55-yard score in the first quarter because that’s what Elvis would have done, suddenly got very un-Fields like in the fourth quarter and threw two bad interceptions, and before you knew it, cousin, the Packers were laughing their way to another triumph and the Bears were left at 3-10.

28-19, 3-10, the second or third pick in the 2023 draft, whatever. 787-786. Those are the other digits. With the defeat, the Bears are still stuck at 786 career wins and the Packers now have 787. And that’s the most in NFL history.

Can’t we have any nice things?

Grandpa’s watch got dropped into the toilet and will likely never be retrieved and, even if it does, it will smell like shit for a decade.

The Bears don’t play next week. They, finally, have a bye week. In December. It took three months of football for the Bears to get a break. They need it. We all need it.  Let’s go Christmas shopping on our Sunday off. Let’s buy shiny things that remind us of the past but won’t cost us any regret tomorrow --TK