December 5, 2022

Letters and Lovers

      Santa Claus is in trouble.

      Again.

      Except this time it's not for one of his usual transgressions, like being drunk behind the wheel, naked in church, or an asshole on Twitter.

      No, this time the jolly old fella has been pinched for punching out the mailman for, in Santa's words, "Bringing me too many of those damned letters from those stupid, selfish kids, damn it."

      That was Santa's statement in front of the Judge Betsy Roosevelt who has spent more time in the courtroom with Santa than with her boyfriend in the linen closet.

      "But Santa," Judge Roosevelt says. "It's your job. You're supposed to receive those letters. You're supposed to know what the kids want. You're supposed to bring them footballs and foosballs and dolls and books and sweaters and..."

      "Hope?" Santa interrupts her. "Hope? Hope, judge? Am I supposed to bring hope to these children who live on a planet of war, global warming, racism, hatred, discrimination, factory farming, and Nickelback?"

      Judge Roosevelt rubs her eyes. She's tired. She sneaks a look at the snow falling past the courtroom window. It's dark already.

      "Your bag is deep, Santa" she says. "Your heart is deeper. Your soul is kinder than you think."

      Santa sighs. It's all so heavy.

      The mailman, Zeppo Chang, approaches and asks to address the court.

      "I don't want to press charges, your honor," Zeppo says. "I know Santa is under enormous pressure. Pressure that none of us can imagine. Besides, I've been banging Mrs. Claus since Arbor Day so I guess we're even."

      Santa nods and smiles.

      "Thank you, Zeppo. You will get coal in your stocking. But thank you."

      "Just wrap that coal in a condom!" Judge Roosevelt says and bangs her gavel. "Court is adjourned!"

      The snow falls in its chaotic mastery.  --TK