For Rent
For Rent
Mr. Fix-It
Text Messages With My Contractor
“Hi Chuck! Saw that you cashed my check! I’ve cleared all that stuff out of the basement and we’re ready to go. See you tomorrow at 8 a.m.!”
(No reply)
“Chuck…! It’s me again. Sorry you weren’t able to make it today but I understand things get confusing and busy, especially during these crazy times. (LOL!) Anyway, I bought all the things at Home Depot you told me to get. They say they know you there. It was awkward. See you tomorrow!”
Hi, so sorry I wasn’t there again today, or the day before. I had an emergency at one of my other buildings. Squirrels. See you tomorrow, bright and early. –Chuck.
“Chuck! So good to have you and your helper at the house today. (Was his name Bob or Rob? He mumbles.) Anyway, glad that you were able to knock down that interior wall. What a tough (and loud!) job. Didn’t think it would take you six hours and I’m also surprised you and Rob/Bob needed to be smoking the whole time, (isn’t that tough while wearing a mask?) but hey, what do I know?! See you tomorrow. (Friday is always my favorite day of the week!”)
(No reply)
“Hi Chuck, what’s happening? Hope you had a nice weekend. Guess yours was a three-dayer, huh? (LOL!) Anyway, the wife and I picked up the cigarette butts in the basement and mopped up the mud tracks in the pantry so we’re, literally, starting with a clean slate for a busy week of basement remodeling!”
My pickup has a flat, be there in an hour.-Chuck
Make that two hours. Thx. –Love, Chuck
“Chuck. That must have been some flat tire! One Christmas when I was driving home from college my roommate and I got a flat and we spent three hours at a truck stop, so I know how it goes! Just a reminder, tho, We’re more than a week behind schedule. ugh! :( See you when you get here!”
(No reply)
“Hello, Chuck. Don’t worry about that signed Joe Namath photo that you and/or Rob/Bob knocked over and shattered (and dropped a lit cigarette on?) Really, it’s OK. The memories I have of my father waiting out in the cold rain for hours to get the autograph for me and my brother even though dad was recovering from surgery are what really matter, not the photo itself! Besides, Broadway Joe is still with us, thank God, (though I think I told you my dad and brother are dead) so maybe I can get a replacement. Tomorrow is another day.”
Finished demo-ing the basement, rewired laundry room and started work on the basement bthrm vanity. Please leave another check for $3500 tmrw. Should be done with the basement this week. Thx.
“Chuck! I have never met someone who was so quick at cashing a check as you (LOL!) Impressive that you had time to pick up the check, smoke a cigarette, then leave to cash the check without doing any work. Whoops, my bad, you did knock down another wall in the basement (did we plan on that?) PS, my living room is now sinking a bit, but that could just be my imagination. PPS, my wife has always had a bit of potty mouth, don’t take it personally. (LOL!)”
(No reply)
“Chuck!...I don’t mind when you park your pickup in my driveway, I do mind when Rob/Bob uses the upstairs bathroom.”
Thx.
“Chuck…Aren’t you supposed to bring your own hammer? Isn’t that what I’m paying you for?”
(No reply)
“Hiya there, Chuckles. Are you familiar with the story about one of Frank Lloyd Wright’s customers, I believe it was Herbert Johnson, who said; ‘…At first Mr. Wright was working for me, then we were working together, then I was working for him.’? Frank Lloyd Wright was a miserable sonofabitch, don’t you think, Chuck?”
(No reply)
“Hi Chuck. You can’t imagine how much I want to kick you in the nuts. Just kidding. Am a bit frustrated, tho. It has been, what, three weeks since you were able to drop by and do any work? I have gotten used to the smell of sawdust. Never had a mouse before, either, but now there’s a bunch of them. Guess they were living in the walls?”
Need another $1,700 for paint and mousetraps. Be there ASAP. – Chuck
(No reply)
I’m looking for another helper, be there next week, promise. Sorry again about leaving the door open. Did the cat come back? -Chuck. PS, need another $3,750. Cash is always best.
“Hi Chuck…I’ve been crying all day. I flunked shop class in high school and I am bad at mowing the lawn. But years ago I found God, and actuary, and that’s how I met my wife who, by the way, has gone to spend time with her sister. Yes, the cat is back, but he’s angry.”
(No reply)
“Chuck! They delivered the kitchen appliances today. Sorry you weren’t here. They are on the back porch. Hope it doesn’t rain!”
(No reply)
“Chuck…it’s raining.”
(No reply)
“Chuck! I saw your truck in front of the bar yesterday afternoon. Did you see my wife in there?”
(No reply)
“Chuck…are you coming tomorrow? Or the next day?”
No.
“Chuck?…Chuck?…Chuck?…”
My cousin is moving out of the halfway house today and needs my truck. Be there tmrw. Plz leave another check. - Chuck
“Chuck (rhymes with suck)…when I met you that day at the virtual church picnic and hired you to redo my basement, kitchen, and bathroom I had no idea what an adventure I was embarking upon. Now, seven months and $43,000 later, you have accomplished quite a bit: my basement has two fewer walls, an exciting new floor with a sawdust and cigarette butt motif, and you have, perhaps inadvertently, forced me to think a lot about my choices in life like buying a home, getting married, and trusting guys name Chuck. That kinda shit. Anyway, I really hope your cousin’s legal troubles clear up and you can finish everything, including fixing that hole in the wall, before it starts snowing!”
(no reply)
“Chuck, it’s snowing.”
(no reply)
“Chuck… Every time I see your toolbox I fall further from God’s light.”
(no reply)
“Chuck! Was so nice to have you and your cousin here the last three days (never met a woman who had a neck tattoo!) Thanks for putting that one basement wall back up, finishing the bathroom, tiling the kitchen floor (did we agree on retro mosaic?), advising me on my eczema, and being so quick to cash another check. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially through that hole in the wall (shouldn’t you have fixed that first?) See you tmrw!....(right?)”
(no reply)
“Chuck, it’s been a while. Like weeks. Can you please come and finish the job soon? Especially since I have paid you so much money, lied to the police, and let you keep my hammer? The cat and I would really appreciate it.”
Fuck you.
“Chuck!... someone threw a brick through my window last night. Thought you said Rob/Bob was in rehab?”
(no reply)
“Chuck!...I take it you’ve heard from my lawyer by now. I have also heard from yours. Wish I had known your cousin had a law degree!”
Go to hell.
“Thanks, Chuck, I’m on the way.”
Thursday, April 21, 2022