The Umbrella Academy
The Umbrella Academy
The Wet Bandits
September 11, 2022
Triumph in the Rain
Bears 19, 49ers 10
The Chicago Bears dodged raindrops, defied expectations, and slid away with an improbable 19-10 season-opening victory over the San Francisco 49ers in front of 62,159 soggy souls at Chicago’s Soldier Field on Sunday afternoon.
This game was wet, sloppy, weird, and, in the end, rather fun and wonderful.
But it did not begin that way.
With a steady rain falling, new Bears head coach Matt Eberflus’ crew could not do much against a 49ers team that was a dropped interception from a trip to the Super Bowl last year. The Bears were inept on offense and, basically, lucky on defense as the Niners were without Pro Bowl tight end George Kittle and, with new quarterback Trey Lance (and a soggy field and bleak sky) just not able to do much.
Yes, let’s give the Bears defense some credit, especially when cornerback Jaylon Johnson punched the ball out of the hands of San Francisco receiver/runner/do it all fella Deebo Samuel just as the 49ers were about to score in the first quarter keeping this yucky event a scoreless tie.
At halftime, the Bears trailed 7-0 and, my gosh, it was a case of the Bears defense trying its best to compensate for a pathetic offense. That script for a Bears game has been used more often than the Gilligan’s Island plot in which they almost got off the island. Halfway through this game we were wishing we were on an island, or anywhere without a TV because this crap was wetter, uglier, and stinkier than a Trump in a sauna.
And the most Bearsy moment of the mostly drowsy, drippy first 30 minutes came late in the second quarter when the Bears lined up for a field goal attempt but then were penalized for having an illegal towel on the field, those cheaters.
This was a first for us, and probably just about everyone.
The officials, who get paid for this kind of thing, threw a flag and called a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on Bears rookie punter and field goal holder Trenton Gill because he used a towel to wipe down the area of the Bears new grass field where the ball was going to be placed. Afterwards, in comments provided by the Bears, referee Clay Martin explained to a pool reporter that, “You cannot bring what we consider a foreign object –this was not a towel that would go on a uniform – out to alter the playing surface. We felt that provided an unfair advantage, using the towel to wipe down the area where the ball was going to be placed.”
Take that, Trenton Gill. We hope you and illegal wipers everywhere have learned your lesson.
Halftime. Have a Coke.
Second half. Much of the same. And now the Bears are down 10-0 after a field goal by our old pal Robbie Gould, the only member of the 2006 Super Bowl runner-up Bears still in the league. But then, hey! Here we have Bears second-year QB Justin Fields running to and fro in the rain and, just like we used to draw it up in the backyard, he heaved up an alleyoop pass and there was Bears receiver Dante Pettis waiting under it and he hauled it and hauled himself into the end zone and we laughed, the crowd cheered, and this game had no business suddenly being 10-7.
But why not keep a goofy thing going?
To the fourth quarter we go and there’s Fields engineering a smart drive and hits a guy who sits on the board of the name hall of fame, Equanimeous St. Brown, for an 18-yard score and the Bears, yes these wet and wobbly Bears, led 13-10. Bears kicker Cairo Santos missed the extra point because it was wet, windy and maybe he was still pissed at Trenton Gill, so it stayed 13-10.
Then, on the next series, Bears defensive back Eddie Jackson, who had not made an interception since before the pandemic, did just that, picking off Lance and setting up a three-yard TD run by Bears running back Khalil Herbert.
Santos then missed another extra point. He really needed that towel.
No bother. 19-10 Bears it was and 19-10 Bears it would remain. The rain fell harder, stronger, faster and Holy football, the clock wound down.
And then, true beauty. Fields took a knee on the final play of the game and then he and half the Bears team sprinted for the end zone and did headfirst slides in the wet grass.
Victory slides. Big guys having kids fun. For this moment at least we don’t care if the Bears finish the season 1-16 because watching those guys slide on the grass as the crowd roared for an unexpected triumph was what sports should always be about: skill, surprise, and fun.
The Bears were outgained 331-204. They had fewer first downs. They were worse on third down efficiency. They lost on time of possession and ran fewer plays. They used an illegal towel, damn it.
But they also committed just three total penalties for 24 yards whereas the supposedly seasoned, well-coached 49ers were flagged twelve times for 99 yards. And the Bears turned the ball over just once, while they took it away twice.
Numbers. Some mean things, some don’t.
In the locker room afterwards, Fields gave game balls to Eberflus and first-year General Manager Ryan Poles and it looked as if there were plenty of towels, both legal and illicit, to go around to wipe away the sweat and the rain, but not the joy. The soggy unexpected joy of being 1-0. –TK
*We cannot depart without saying a word about this game having taken place on September 11, twenty-one years after the terror attacks. That was a time when America’s greatest enemies lived outside our borders. Now, the greatest threat to our democracy, and our lives, has an address next door. We mourn those lost two decades ago and remember the heroes. And we work to stop the cowards, both foreign and domestic, who continue to assault freedom, intelligence, science, diversity, curiosity, and happiness. The scared little weirdoes are all around us.
Sunday, September 11, 2022