A Tragedy, A Comedy, A Sunday
A Tragedy, A Comedy, A Sunday
You Sneaketh Not, You Stupid Bitch.
September 18, 2022
Packers 27, Bears 10
Stupid is as Stupid Sneaks (From Five Yards Away)
The Chicago Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers, 27-10 at Lambeau Field in northern Wisconsin on Sunday night to drop to 1-1 on the season.
And in case you didn’t get to see this game just step in the closet, close the door, turn the light off, fart, and think of that former friend who owes you money and refused to get vaccinated and you’ll begin to understand just how lamentable this affair truly was.
Actually, even if you did watch the game do all that stuff anyway because you deserve chastising for putting yourself and possibly others through sixty minutes of sporting ineptitude.
Watching this game was like going to a Trump rally…at an Arby’s…with your pants off…during a blizzard.
And that was just the second quarter.
OK, do we really care to discuss that second quarter? Sure! I’ve already got one sharp stick in the eye, why not go ahead and shove something rusty up my ass just for fun!?!
Entering the second quarter the Bears led this bout 7-3 thanks to an impressive 71-yard drive capped by Bears quarterback Justin Fields sprinting for a three-yard score.
A touchdown! A lead! Queen Elizabeth is dead! Life is looking good!
But then, because NFL rules stipulate it, the game continued into the second quarter, a second quarter in which the Packers scored 21 points, the Bears scored none, and we really began wondering why we follow those stupid seatbelt laws because crashing through the windshield and soaring headfirst into death could not have been less frustrating than witnessing this shitnado.
The Bears ran the ball well in the first quarter, and so in the second quarter they decided they’d gotten enough practice at doing that so they started scrambling, throwing bad passes, getting penalties, eating bad cheese, all that kind of stuff.
In 15 minutes of second quarter “action” as it were, the Bears had four possessions for -6 yards (yes, negative 6 yards, they went backwards) while the Packers ran over the Bears repeatedly, dishonorably, cruelly, and successfully.
It was 24-7 at halftime and we gave sober consideration to inducing ourselves to vomit the vegan chili we enjoyed for dinner and smearing it all over ourselves because that would have been more fun than watching Aaron Jones, A.J. Dillon and the rest of those Packers make us look young, silly, angry, and bad.
Thankfully the VCR we got for Labor Day has fast-forward so let’s skip to the fourth quarter. The Bears decided to start running the ball again, which was sort of like a guy who decides to stop swallowing broken glass and go back to drinking Cherry Coke and matriculated down the field. There’s David Montgomery for 11 yards, (followed by a bad pass from Fields) then Montgomery again for 14, (Fields sacked) Montgomery for 28, Khalil Herbert for 27, Herbert again, Montgomery again, wham-bam this is football (granted its 1940s football) but still it’s football and then here we are on the one yard line, fourth down, inches to go and the Bears line up Fields in the shotgun, yes they moved him further away from the goal line, and he slammed into the line and was denied and damn all things to hell for all time.
My Sunday started out so well. My dog was licking my face, my landlord’s phone was still broken, I rode my bike to the cemetery across the street and joined a few others for a tour of the historic graveyard learning about Native Americans, war heroes, civil rights leaders, gangsters, the young, the old, the tragic, the angels, all resting in historic eternity, right in my back yard.
It was edifying, it was touching, it was spiritual, and it only cost me $20 which serves as a donation to the local historical society which is also where the Bears offense belongs. But still, what a time.
Then I ditched the bike, hopped in my car and sped out to the basement of a suburban church to meet a friend and we watched another buddy of ours performing in Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Have you seen The Tempest? I ask because I am hoping someone can tell me what the hell it is about. I jest, but just slightly. I was cautioned to read a summary beforehand because Shakespeare can be tough to follow but of course I decided to wing it and I spent much of the play feeling like Justin Fields, fighting to stay alive. But the play was great. The acting was crisp, the story was moving even if I got lost a lot and, like a bike ride through a cemetery, it was an experience that ennobled me, enlightened me, and also cost me just $20.
After the play I learned that the White Sox had beaten the Tigers, 11-5 and the Guardians lost so the Sox might have somewhat of a chance of a prayer of winning the division.
And then, after a nice dinner, it was footballmegaddon. And it was all epitomized by Fields getting stuffed from the one-inch line. It was one of the worst bits of play calling since that time in high school when I showed my girlfriend’s father the box of condoms believing he’d consider me responsible.
If the Bears had scored on that play it would have been 24-16, likely 24-17 following the point-after attempt, with about eight minutes to go and then, what would have happened? We knoweth not but guess the Bears probably would have still lost, likely 31-17 but at least, for a few frickin’ moments, it would have been an actual ballgame in the fourth quarter. Imagine that.
Imagine nothing.
The reality is the Bears are poor tacklers, are poorly prepared, Fields might be a bust, and if the Bears win more than two more games before Halloween we’ll consider it a greater comedy than Shakespeare ever dreamed of penning.
The Bears completed seven passes in this game. Seven. Aaron Rodgers could complete seven passes if you glued both hands to his beard.
The Bears rushed for 180 yards, but the Packers bulldozed for 203. The Bears committed seven penalties; the Packers were flagged for three. The Packers had the ball for 37 minutes 15 seconds; the Bears were in possession for just 22:45.
Damn, when you look at all these numbers the Bears should have lost by 80. Does that mean maybe it wasn’t that bad?
No. It means we feel like we’re 80. And it’s only September. --TK
Sunday, September 18, 2022