December 12, 2023

Intercontinental Shame, Glory, and More Shame and Glory

Donato had no idea what the package was.

The brown parcel was left on his stoop, about a foot long, maybe an inch high, thin and light.

The mailing label boasted “International Tracked” and “Air Mail, Par Avion” which only shrouded the mystery more darkly, as did a London return address.

What? Donato wondered, in the good name of Christmas ghosts could this be? Had the Beatles finally sent that large residual check? Had Benny Hill gone back in time, come back to life, shrunk himself, and survived an ocean voyage?

The package was silent.

Donato, a silly man with many scars, recalled the episode in the Thomas Pynchon novel Mason & Dixon in which two clocks have a conversation while on board a ship. Donato hopes he remembers this accurately and mostly includes this reference to possibly impress someone. Preferably, a girl.

Donato eats dinner by the Christmas tree, the dog and cat each enjoying their evening meal as well though the cat, it can be detected, always believes there should be more.

Donato thinks about the package while eating and decides to make the reveal his dessert. It turns out it could serve as an actual dessert because the package contains Kit-Kats. Five vegan Kit-Kats that Donato now recalls he ordered online a few weeks ago.

Across the ocean, over the seas, 3,945 miles, five plant-based Nestle Kit-Kats, from London’s door to his. How much time, money, fuel, sweat, and hassle were spent just so Donato could feel superior by having a non-dairy snack?

“Donato, you’re an asshole,” the cat says. The dog looks up from its after-dinner nap and nods in agreement then returns to sleep.

Donato eats all five of the candy bars and washes them down with a Dr. Pepper while watching Love Actually, then he vomits.

Christmas is for champions. –TK