March 21, 2024

Poor Things (2023)

If you want to see a lot of naked people but don’t have the nerve to watch porn or the time to go to church, then check out a movie called Poor Things.

Emma Stone won an Oscar for smallest boobs, I mean best actress, for this movie which is the story of someone who has the body of a woman, the brain of an infant, and the sex drive of three monkeys after midnight.

There is so much lovemaking in this movie you should probably wear a condom just watching the trailer.

Stone’s character, Bella Baxter, is the work of Godwin Baxter, played by Willem Dafoe, who tries to recover from a wretched childhood by creating hideous creatures out of flesh, bone, blood, and perversion. He has a future in politics.

Bella learns about the world by watching it, tasting it, touching it and, just like most people your parents played bridge with before getting kicked out of the country club, fucking it.

If you’ve never seen a naked French guy so skinny that he calls his cane “Fatso,” then put down that book, damn it, and fire up Hulu and watch this movie which, we should have mentioned earlier, also gives us several animals that have heads of other animals.

Imagine an army of dogs with duck heads. Now try not to cry.

Poor Things is the name of this movie and it’s also the description of all those who paid to see it.

Usually our policy is “no clothes, no problem,” and we were, indeed, pleased by some of this film’s constant nakedness but, good gravy, not even an exorcism could defeat the demon of having seen an old white man’s naked ass.

On Hulu, Poor Things was interrupted by several commercial breaks which gave us time to call all of those we’ve wronged and apologize just in case the world ended while we were watching this thing.

Emma Stone’s next movie is called Misadventure. Pants required. --TK